


Irrational and Unconditional

by Thanatoaster



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-01-28 07:38:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12601572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thanatoaster/pseuds/Thanatoaster
Summary: After deciding to start a side-business, Tavish meets a weapons buyer after dark. He ends up the victim of a terrible assault, but luckily someone is there to save him.(Please check warnings and tags before reading!)





	1. Chapter 1

“You work too much,” the soldier grumbled as the car ground down the dirt highway. Demo grimaced from the driver’s seat, and let out a deep sigh.

“If you were to ask my mother she’d say I barely work, something about how “No DeGroot should have any unpaid hour in his day!” or something like that. Besides, I thought you liked work too?”

“I like working at BLU,” Jane replied, “but time off is time off, you should learn to relax.”

“I relax! What about last month when we got shitfaced and accidentally robbed that convenience store?”

“Hmm, I suppose. But I still don’t understand the point of starting this side business.”

“It’s just something fun to do,” Tavish tried to explain, “All my explosives are supplied by RED, I don’t get to build anything myself.”

Jane nodded slowly, trying to process the information.

“I guess that makes sense, if working at BLU didn’t involve fighting I’d just do it somewhere else.”

“Exactly!” Demo exclaimed happily, grinning over at his friend.

“I still don’t really understand what you’re doing though, who are you selling things to?”

“Ah well, I’m just testing the waters right now. I don’t have many connections around these parts, but I managed to find someone interested in buying a case of my homemade pipe-bombs. Get one sale and then word gets around fast, I do have some business experience under my belt.” He explained.

“So, selling homemade weapons to a mysterious stranger hmm?” Jane said, eyeing him from under his helmet.

“Well, it is a tad illegal I must admit.”

“A tad?”

“Ok mostly illegal. Very. Completely 100% against the law.”

Jane chuckled at that, “Oh well, can’t be helped I suppose. Your mother doesn’t mind?”

Tavish scoffed, “No, I’m a mercenary for Christ’s sake. She doesn’t care much about American laws in how they apply to our work. As long as I’m working she’s happy.”

The soldier shook his head, but didn’t say anything else.

Eventually the dirt road turned to gravel and then to asphalt as they entered the city. It was already getting dark, a red haze was glowing along the horizon as streetlights began to flicker on. By the time they reached their destination, it was completely dark. They’d parked against the curb in a seedy neighborhood, across the street from the alley he was supposed to meet the buyer in.

“Alright, this shouldn’t be more than five minutes, then we can hit the bar alright?” Demo turned to look at Jane, but he seemed surprised.

“You mean I’m not coming with you?”

“What? No. I don’t want you scaring off my new clients.This takes a bit of finesse Jane, and you don’t have much of that.”

“I have finesse!” Jane barked, whipping out his shovel to brandish it above his head. The blade of the shovel smacked the roof, tearing a bit of the upholstery.

“You have… pizazz. Still good, but not what I need right now.” Tavish tried to look amiable, he needed the soldier to stand down so he could get on with his business.

Jane pouted, and crossed his arms. He looked particularly grumpy, but it was nothing the Demoman wasn’t used to.

“Aww, don’t pout lad, I’ll be back soon.” Tavish teased, starting to get out of the car. He flattened out his kilt, which had gotten rumpled during their drive, and noticed Jane staring at it distastefully.

“Do you really have to wear that skirt?” Jane asked.

Tavish couldn’t stop the automatic response of rage at that comment.

“It’s a bloody kilt!” He yelled, but immediately calmed down when he noticed Jane’s smirk. “You bastard… I like to wear it on my days off, I can’t go wearing it when jumping around the battlefield now can I?”

The mental image created made Jane snicker to himself, and Tavish just shook his head, slamming the door behind him.  
He jogged around the car to the trunk, pulling out the briefcase of illegal explosives and slamming it shut behind him.

The alley was dark, more so than the street he’d come from. Just enough light filtered in from the streetlights and stars above to keep him from bumping into the dumpsters. He hoped his business would grow fast enough to get some better clients who would request less smelly meeting locations.

Soon he saw what he was looking for, a man, much thinner but only slightly shorter than himself stood in the middle of the alley. He wore a suit, what colour Tavish couldn’t tell in the darkness, and carried his own briefcase.

Good, Tavish thought, he brought the money.

“Good evening,” he said, voice with an air of confidence that made Tavish believe he held some sort of government position. “I assume you brought what I asked.”

“Aye,” Tavish replied. “And you have the payment?”

The man quirked his head to the side slightly, but nodded, opening the briefcase to display the stacks of bills inside.

“You can count them after.”

Tavish opened his own case, displaying his handiwork, bombs meticulously crafted with the highest skill.

“Impressive,” The man remarked.

“Aye,” the Demoman agreed, snapping the case shut. He then held out his hand, palm up, and made eye contact with the buyer. “I take the money first.”

The man looked at him slowly, then a smirk worked its way onto his face. A chill ran up Tavish’s spine.

“I don’t think that will be necessary.” 

“What do you mean by that?” Tavish hissed, suddenly not liking this guy so much.

“Look Mr.... Degroot,” The ex-buyer began strategically, showing Demo how much more he knew about Tavish than Tavish knew about him. “You can’t just be selling weapons here. This is my turf, and no one poaches sales from me.”

So, this was actually a setup then.

“Hey they aren’t weapons, they are explosives. How people use them isn’t my problem.” Tavish growled.

The man scowled, “I don’t care what you think DeGroot, I am the only weapons dealer in these parts.”

“Well I guess you’re just going to have some competition then!” Tavish spat. Who was this little punk anyway? Did he really think he could take on Tavish?

“I don’t think so. I think you are going to leave your little devices there with me and go home. And never come back here again.” 

The threat was clear as day, and Tavish knew it was the time to assert himself.

He swung a fist at the ex-buyer’s face, but a massive figure suddenly appeared from the shadows and caught his hand. The owner of the hand was huge, about the size of RED’s Heavy. He wore a dirty looking wifebeater, and thick-lined tattoos snaked up his arms and onto his bald scalp.

“I see you have met one of my bodyguards.”

Tavish tensed, and tried to backup a few steps. But instead, he walked into something solid.

The demoman turned around, coming face-to face with another hulking mountain of a man, just as big but less tattooed. 

“Look, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, either you drop your merchandise and leave, or I will have to teach you why you don’t mess with me.” The suited man explained.

“Fuck you!” Tavish said, and spat at the man’s feet.

“Grab him.”

It happened so fast Tavish didn’t have the time to react, the big man behind him grabbed his arm, twisting it until he was forced to loosen his grip on the briefcase, which clattered to the pavement.

He struggled against the man’s grip, but it was no use. He was stronger than Tavish and obviously had experience disabling people, as he soon had Tavish’s arms pinned behind his back. His shoulders ached, feeling just on the verge of dislocating.

“Let…. go of me you bloody brute!” He yelled, swinging his foot back into the man’s shin. He grunted, but didn’t falter, shoving Tavish roughly forward and following him onto the ground. Tavish’s cheek scraped the pavement, and the large man pressed a knee into his back, crushing the air out of his lungs with a weight of nearly 300 pounds.

“Ghh…” He tried to say something else, but couldn’t get enough air into his lungs to do so.

“Now see, you could have just left, but instead you chose this.” The suited man said, letting out a fake sigh. “You know I don’t like having to be a disciplinarian. But I have to punish people when they don’t follow the rules!”

The demoman glared up at him from the floor, face growing hot as he struggled to breathe.

“Give him some air,” The man ordered, and the hulk removed his knee from Tavish’s back, holding him down by just his arms as he choked in some stuttering breaths.

“Hold him still,” he ordered, then nodded to the tattooed man to his left. “Show him what happens to rule breakers in this parts.”

The tattooed man slowly cracked his knuckles, and Tavish felt himself grimace. Great, how was he going to explain getting beaten to a bloody pulp to Jane when he returned to the car? But as the man approached, he didn’t start to attack, instead he crouched down next to him.

“He’s wearing a skirt.” The man said. It was the first time the he had spoken, his voice was low and steady, it didn’t betray any sort of anger or excitement. It just sounded purely neutral.

It took all of Tavish’s willpower not to blurt out that it was a kilt. He’d finally figured out that talking back probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do at the moment.

“Then you can pretend he's a girl! I don't care what he's wearing I gave you an order.”

That comment sent a chill up Tavish’s spine.

“H-hey wait a minute, what are you doing?” he asked with barely contained horror. 

He couldn’t quite see over his shoulder, but he heard the distinct sound of a ziptie being tightened around his wrists. He kept trying to look back until the brute put a hand on the back of his head and smashed his face back into the ground, doubling up the bruises on his face.

“Damnit…” He wriggled in his restraints, but there was no way to break them behind his back, there was no leverage, and although not pressing as hard, the man’s weight still made it impossible for him to wriggle free.

Suddenly, there was a hand touching his thigh. It was the tattooed man, who had now gone from observer to active participant, apparently on his boss’s orders. The hand then moved, hiking up his kilt and exposing him for everyone to see.

The tattooed bodyguard made a small grunt, if he was pleased with what he saw or not Tavish couldn’t tell, and he didn’t really want to know either.

“A-alright fellas, you got me right scared now. Just let me go, alright? I won’t be coming back, promise.” He stuttered, fighting wasn’t worth it at this point, 

“Sorry DeGroot, but you made your choice.” The suited man said, voice low and intimidating, “You’ll just have to live with your decision.”

A meaty hand grammed Tavish’s ass, squeezing it roughly then spreading his cheeks.

“Damnit, you don’t need to do this, please!” Demo’s voice rose in pitch as he began to panic.

“Shut up.” The man holding him growled, gripping his skull and smashing his face into the ground again.

He could feel the tattooed man touching him, rubbing his hole with a finger before pressing it inside.

Tavish bit his tongue, trying to force even breaths out his nose to prevent himself from giving these motherfuckers the satisfaction of hearing him scream. The finger was rough and dry, pulling uncomfortably at his insides and making him sick. His tongue started to bleed, and he did his best to focus on the copper taste and block out his surroundings.

Thank god he left Jane in the car. Thank god he wasn’t seeing this.

The finger pulled out, and Tavish heaved out a sigh of relief.

“Please stop, I-I’m done ok?” But he just heard the sound of a belt being undone, there was no regard for his words. “Oh god…”

Tavish struggled once again, desperate to find some weak place in his bindings, or for the man holding him down to just drop dead in some sort of bizarre miracle. But nothing had changed. The ziptie was still too tight, the man strong as ever. He was wholly and truly at their mercy.

The sound of the tattooed man spitting and rubbing it onto his cock was loud in his ears. The man didn’t say anything, just pressed forward, one hand gripping Tavish’s hip and he forced himself inside.  
Tavish didn’t scream, but he couldn’t hold back the pained whimper as the man fed himself in deeper. The toes of his shoes dug into the pavement as he tried to push himself away. The thug adjusted himself, before starting to thrust into Demo at a steady pace. His ass burned, and hot pain radiated up him as his body reacted to the unexpected intrusion.

God he was stupid. So damn stupid. He couldn’t help but now reflect on every bad decision he’d made to lead up to this moment. 

The basic cause of it, all the way to the root was respawn. It had changed the way he lived his life at the most basic level. He didn’t fear death anymore, and when you don’t fear death it’s hard to fear much of anything. But fear is important, fear keeps you safe. Fear leads to caution and caution means being prepared, it means thinking things through before you bring a suitcase of weapons alone into a dark alleyway.

If he’d been thinking this through, he would have insisted in choosing the meetup location himself, he would have scouted it out beforehand and done a little more research into the buyer.

And for fuck’s sake he would have brought someone. 

If he’d prepared properly it wouldn’t have been Jane, it would have been some hired goons he could dispose of after. But even if he had brought Jane this would have turned out differently. Tavish was strong, but not strong enough against two men catching him off guard. At least Jane would have given them a fighting chance. Maybe his intimidation factor might have even been enough to prevent this whole thing.

Thrusts got faster and harder as the tattooed man let out a groan. It was disgusting and made Tavish sick, thinking about the guy getting off from this. He wanted to think about something else again, but it had gotten so damn noisy he couldn’t concentrate on anything but the disgusting motherfucker using him like a sex toy.

Almost as soon as it started it was over, the sudden painful emptiness and heavy breathy his only warning before he felt hot semen dripping onto his cheeks. It was just an extra level of humiliation to his already horrible day.

His whole body went slack, not realizing how tense he’s been through the whole thing. Everything was sore and achy, his face stung from where dirt had been rubbed into the scrape on his cheek, and the pain made him want to vomit.

A weight was lifted from his thighs as his rapist rose back up to his feet and tucked himself back into his pants. Tavish hoped they would go now, surely they’d had enough.

But instead of leaving the tattooed man to the place of the other hulking bodyguard, pinning Tavish down. Now the other man began to mount him from behind.

Tavish shuddered, “No no! I’ve had enough, please i’m done!” He pleaded.

“Surely you know it’s polite to share?” The ex-buyer of his weapons said from a few feet away. He was still just watching, not having moved at all during the assault.

“But…” What could he say? There was nothing to say. He would just beg and beg and there would be no mercy.

Tavish pressed his forehead to the ground and prepared for the worst. He couldn’t stop the tears from building up, pouring over and wetting the pavement. It was just too much, going through it again. He wasn’t even sure if he could take it again without passing out.

But as the next man undid his pants, another sound could be heard. Footsteps, someone was running. And then-

A battlecry, one so familiar Tavish would have recognised it from a mile away. Jane was here, and Tavish didn’t know whether to be relieved or terrified.

There was the sound of metal hitting flesh as soldier hit the man on Tavish with the blade of his ever-present shovel. The man got up, only to be hit again, blood exploding from his now-broken nose.

“The fuck?” The thug still gripping Tavish sounded like he was in shock at the soldier’s sudden appearance. He let go of Tavish, and he took that opportunity to wiggle his way towards a wall, any way to get himself further away from these two.

With the first thug successfully stunned, Tavish watched the soldier turn to the other, rage clear on his face. He didn’t say anything, just screamed, launching himself towards the tattooed man. This one was prepared for the attack, and blocked Jane’s initial strike. But he was slow, and Jane quickly changed his tactic, swinging the shovel low and jabbing the blade into his stomach.

The man had the wind knocked out of him, and doubled over with a wheeze. Jane lifted his shovel again, preparing to bring it down on the man’s head.

“Shit… Let’s get out of here!” The man in the suit let out a cry, obviously not wanting to risk getting a beating himself.

The man moved out of the way just in time, avoiding Jane’s strike, and dashed off down the alley with the other two. The soldier let out a low growl of annoyance, and went to give chase.

“Gr...ugh.” Tavish groaned, and Jane’s attention snapped to him at once, giving up the pursuit for the moment.

Through his pain and limited movement, the Demoman had managed to get himself propped up against the wall next to a dumpster. Dragging himself across the ground had managed to pull his kilt back down a bit and give him a bit of decency. He sat mostly on one hip, knowing he likely couldn’t handle sitting flatly on the concrete ground.

He looked up at Jane, standing there, all fight gone out of him. His breathing was still a bit quick from the fight, but his face was unreadable. It was completely blank, and Tavish didn’t know what he was thinking.

And Tavish couldn’t blame him, because having Jane see him like that left him not knowing what to say.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited this at 4:30 am after staying up all night so apologies if I didn't properly edit out some of the melodrama lmao

Tavish and Jane just stared at one another, neither one wanting to break the silence. It would be too hard, having to acknowledge what happened. But Tavish knew he'd have to at some point, otherwise they'd be stuck in this alley for the rest of their lives.

“Why’d you come?” Tavish asked quietly, his voice sounded foreign even to his own ears. 

The soldier broke eye contact at the question, looking down at his shovel and fiddling around with it. 

“You said it'd take five minutes. It was six.”

Well that explained it, Tavish thought, he should have known Jane would take his words literally. 

“You... shouldn't have come.” he said, voice barely over a whisper. He'd rather have endured silently than have Jane here having seen it. He would have done anything to have Jane just not know about it.

Jane looked surprised by that statement, he could see his eyes grow wide from under the helmet.

“But… are you saying I just should have let that happen!”

“I'm saying you should have stayed in the car.”

“Stayed in the car?” the soldier was looking at him like he had two heads, Tavish hated it. “God you… you sound like you wanted this to happen!”

The demoman winced, and Jane immediately faltered. 

“Shit… I didn't mean it like that…” he sighed, and rubbed a hand over his face. “God just… let me get you out of those.”

Tavish couldn't really look at Jane. He turned his head towards the wall, and let Jane grab his wrists. He tugged them at an awkward angle that caused another spasm of pain to shoot into demo’s spine, but he forced his shovel between his wrists until the ziptie snapped.

Demo let his arms go slack, shoulders throbbing after being freed from their uncomfortable position. Jane was crouched next to him, one hand still on his arm. Tavish could feel Jane s eyes on him, but he just couldn't bring himself to look back.

“Let's get you up…” the soldier murmured, hooking his arms under Tavish’s armpits and heaving him upwards.

Tavish couldn't hold in his cry as pain wracked his body. It was a harsh, stabbing pain running up his spine, a harsh reminder of what he’d just endured.

Jane let him lean back against the wall. “Can you walk?” he asked stiffly, trying to get a proper understanding of the demoman’s pain.

Tavish took a few shaky breaths to steady himself, then nodded. He probably couldn't walk that well, but he'd to anything to get the hell out of here. 

Tavish waited as Jane dusted him off. He patted the dirt off the front of his shirt, plucking off some bits of gravel off and then straightening his kilt.

That was honestly a surprise. Where were the skirt jokes? Tavish thought to himself. Where was the condescending rant about how the thing was responsible for the whole situation? But when Jane finished tidying him up he just slid Tavish's arm over his shoulder, and started walking back to the car.

He wondered what Jane was feeling right now, his face was so blank. Tavish supposed at the very least Jane wasn't angry at him, Jane couldn't hide anger.

He was probably disgusted then. Disgusted by Tavish’s stupidity and helplessness. He knew Jane didn't like weakness, in himself or others. At the very least Jane probably just pitied him.

He should just feel grateful Jane hadn't just left him to bleed in that alleyway.

As they neared the car the demoman spoke up. “Y-you should probably drive.” He muttered, knowing he wasn't capable of driving right now.

“Alright,” the soldier agreed, bringing Tavish go the passenger’s side. He stood like a rock, and let Tavish use his body to lower himself slowly into the car. Everything still hurt, but if he moved slow enough he could keep the pain down to a dull throb.

With Tavish successfully settled into the car, Jane entered the driver’s seat and took off down the road. They'd already booked a hotel room for the night, something he was thankful for. Jane sped towards it, going a bit over the speed limit and driving through a few red lights.Tavish wasn’t aware enough to be concerned.

They reached the hotel in record time, Jane’s face was a still stony and unreadable. He grabbed their bags out of the trunk and led Tavish to the elevator. 

Tavish stood stiffly in the middle of their hotel room as Jane bustled around. He was digging through Tavish’s bag, pulling out a pair of underwear and his toothbrush. Tavish watched him put the items on the bathroom counter. 

“You should go take a shower, alright?” Jane said, grabbing Tavish’s arm and steering him towards the bathroom.

He didn't resist, letting himself be moved around like a toy. Jane slammed the door behind him. 

The large mirror above the sink gave Tavish the first look at himself since the incident. After seeing it, he couldn't blame Jane for banishing him to the small room.

He looked like shit, eye red from crying and dirt stuck to tear stains on his cheek. His eye patch was askew from when the thugs had smashed his face into the ground, and the skin below it torn up from the impact.

He looked away, not wanting to see the rest of his body as the clothes came off. First went the eye patch and the beanie, then he slowly pulled his shirt over his head. It made his arms and ribs ache, more evidence he didn't want to think of. The kilt was last, and he felt hesitant to take it off, even though he wanted to burn the thing once he did. Tavish could feel it sticking to his rear in places where the fluids hand began to dry, and with a shudder of disgust he ripped the thing off like a bandaid. 

He marched into the shower and violently cranked the handle on full blast. He kept turning up the heat until it burned, shoving his face into the spray. The hot water caused a stinging to erupt from his scrapes. There was the one on his face he'd seen in the mirror, then his wrists that had been cut from the ziptie during his struggles.

One that surprised him was the burning in his knees. He hasn't noticed it at the time, but they'd also been scraped open as he'd been thrown to the ground, further torn open on the concrete like sandpaper as he’s struggled desperately to escape.

This pain was good though, it was familiar. He was much more used to cuts, scrapes, and burns than to the throbbing humiliation spread through his insides. 

Tavish grabbed a washcloth and some soap, them began to clean himself off. He scrubbed roughly at his skin, irritating the bruises and reopening the scrapes that had scabbed over.

The cloth moved lower and lower, eventually turning pink as he tried to wash away the humiliation those backalley men had left him with. He managed to clean off the blood and filth, but unfortunately the feelings remained. 

At some point Tavish’s mind had gone blank. He didn't remember sliding down the shower wall to huddle on the floor, hot water still raining down. He might have even fallen asleep, but was jolted back to awareness by a knock at the door.

“Tavish?” came Jane’s voice, muffled by the bathroom door. “You’ve been in there almost an hour.”

He just kept staring straight ahead at the tiled wall. He didn't really feel much like moving.

Jane started knocking on the door, and Tavish curled in a little closer on himself.

“You ok in there? Answer me or I am coming in.”

Am I ok? Tavish thought to himself. He wasn't really sure. Physically he was a little beat up, but surely it was nothing serious. But then again he found himself unable to move from the shower floor. His legs felt like cement, as if trying to move them would take all of his remaining energy.

A string of curses could be heard, the the telltale sound of the door clicking open.

He’d had forgotten to bother locking it in his daze, probably a good thing as otherwise Jane would be smashing it off its hinges right now. 

He heard rather than saw Jane run into the bathroom, as Tavish’s blurry gaze never left the wall. Jane had suddenly stopped, hesitating, Tavish believed, at the pathetic sight of him.

Jane let out a slow breath through his nose, and stepped slowly towards him. Tavish felt the shower spray suddenly stop, and he missed the steady comforting rhythm of the droplets pounding on his skin. 

Suddenly Jane was in the shower in front of him, lifting him up off the wet floor. He felt heavy and overheated, Tavish could see the steam radiating off his skin. Even with Jane s support it took too much energy to move his legs, and being dropped back down to sit on the lid of the toilet was a relief. 

Jane disappeared from his view for a moment, then returned with a big fluffy towel. It was an unexpected comfort having the oversized towel wrapped around his shoulders.

“Come on Tav, you in there?” Jane murmured as he gently pat him dry.

Where else would I be? Tavish thought to himself, looking up at Jane for the first time since his shower.

The soldier looked very serious still, his brow furrowed in concentration under the helmet. It was as if gently patting Tavish dry required as much focus as using pliers to delicately form scraps into those medals he was so proud of. Being treated so gently made him feel fragile as a sheet of glass.

“Tavish… come on, look at me.” He felt Jane’s hand of his face, turning his head so their gazes met. Tavish’s eyes snapped into focus. “There you go private.” He sounded relieved. “I got some food, and supplies from the drugstore so I can patch you up while you were in the shower, get dressed and go sit in a chair ok?”

Jane gave him a last pat on the shoulder before leaving the bathroom. He seemed desperate to leave Tavish’s presence, and he couldn't blame Jane for that.

Tavish got up stiffly and pulled on the boxers that had been left for him. He spotted the bruises already forming on his hips as he pulled the waistband up over them. He was thankful for the mirror being fogged up, he couldn't bear to look at his face again.

He shuffled into the main room where Jane was rifling through a first aid kit. He sat in the chair opposite him a little too hard, and hissed as a painful reminder of earlier stabbed through him.

The soldiers mouth was set in a firm line. He dabbed some alcohol on a cotton ball and started to press it gently to Tavish’s cheek. The demoman wasn't sure if it was necessary, as he'd likely killed any germs leftover with the scalding shower water, but decided to just let Jane do as he pleased.

He taped a patch over his scraped cheek, then wrapped gauze around this wrists, which were still oozing slightly as the ziptie had dug in so deep.

His knees were last, and He watched Jane pull his legs onto the hislap. Again, so uncharacteristically gentle as he he disinfected then bandaged Tavish.

When Jane finished his eyes still lingered, Tavish could feel his gaze burning into his skin. His eyes were following the bruises along his arms, his chest, then the ones that disappeared below the waistband of his boxers.

There was something indiscernible in Jane’s eye as he reached out towards them, fingers stretching out further, coming closer until they brushed against his skin.

Tavish flinched, jolting backwards in his chair. They made eye contact for a moment, both of them wide eyed and shocked by Tavish's harsh reaction. 

They then looked away at the same time, Jane busying himself with pack lng up the first aid kit, and the demoman desperately trying to hold back unexpected tears.

“I-I brought some food too.” Jane stuttered, trying to distract them both by pulling a brown paper bag a bit closer on the table. Reaching inside, he pulled out two paper wrapped burgers and a big box of fries. It looked particularly greasy, Tavish’s stomach churned. 

The soldier was already attacking his burger, and not wanting to be rude, Tavish unwrapped his. 

He left it sitting on the paper and took a French fry instead, hoping it would be a little easier to start with. He took a bite and chewed it slowly, it was cold. He was overwhelmed by the salt, and the grease seemed to stick to his tongue and clog up his throat. With a lot of effort, he managed to swallow It, stomach cramping as a result.

“I'm… not really hungry.” Tavish said softly, placing the rest of the fry next to the burger.

“Oh…” Jane said through a mouthful of food. He’d already gotten through about half of the burger, but put down the rest.

“Right, sorry.” Jane began to repack the food, stuffing it back in the bag.

“it's just me… you can still eat.” Tavish wasn’t sure why he stopped.

“No it's fine, I'm... not that hungry either.”

You feel sick looking at me, I must disgust you. Harsh thoughts swirled around Tavish’s mind again. 

He watched Jane finish packing up the food, then get up to dump it in the garbage can. He felt guilty for not eating the food, but there was no way he’d be able to keep it down.

There was a fan blowing air throughout the hotel room, and it had done well to dry the last bit of dampness from Tavish’s skin, but as the minutes ticked by he found it getting colder. The fact that he was still barely clothed left him shivering.

Jane caught on pretty fast, bustling over to him with a look of determination.

“You should get some rest, It’ll be warmer in bed.” He said, offering Tavish a hand.

He just stared at it, that one question still in his mind.

“Why?”

“Uh… You look cold. That’s why.” Jane mumbled, not able to read Tavish’s mind and discern his true meaning.

Not wanting to be picked up under the arms again, Tavish took it upon himself to get up and into bed. The sheets were cold as he slipped inside, but the thick blankets quickly absorbed heat and left him in a relaxing warmth. He shuffled down deeper in the blankets, tightening them around his neck and pretending to be asleep.

Jane must have believed him, as he disappeared into the bathroom without a word and Tavish could hear the shower turn on.

For the next few minutes Tavish tried to sleep, he really did. But the last time he was alone had been in the shower, with the throbbing of his injuries and the pounding of the water to keep him sane. Now it was dark, and quiet. There was the sound of the shower and the murmur of traffic outside, but none of it did enough to drown out his thoughts.

He kept thinking about the alley, and what he should have done differently to prevent the whole thing. He had been so stupid, so naive. How had he just forgotten everything he’d learned in all his years in life long enough to get raped by two thugs who likely didn’t have two brain cells between them?

It was humiliating, and the man who’d pretended to be a buyer for his explosives had sicked his goons on Tavish, then just watched. He felt as if having that man voyeuristically watch the events was somehow worse than the rape itself.

And of course Jane had watched too, or, at least seen something. He wondered how much Jane saw, how long he’d been there before he stepped in. Had he jumped in right away? Or had he just watched the events unfold while marveling at Tavish’s stupidity?

No, Tavish felt guilty for even thinking that. Of course Jane had stepped in as soon as he comprehended what was happening, just the same as he would have for any poor woman in a similar situation. Jane was a hero, he always had to be. The Soldier always had to be a champion for those he deemed weaker than himself.

Because that’s what he was now, wasn’t he?

Tavish wasn’t sure then the tears had started again, but by now they trailed down his face. He could taste the salt on his lips as they kept pouring down and soaking into the pillowcase below. It started out gentle, but now gentle sobs came from him, clawing their way up his throat.

Once they’d started he couldn’t stop, even when he heard the shower turn off and the bathroom door open he couldn’t go back to pretending to be asleep. He couldn’t stop his own pathetic display.

“Woah, hey Tavish…” He heard Jane say, but just covered his face with his hand in some desperate attempt to become invisible. “Are you crying? Tav…” Jane’s hand touched his arm, and then something about that sickeningly gentle touch just made Tavish snap.

“Fuck off!” He yelled, slapping the hand off of him. He crawled backwards up the bed trying to somehow get away from Jane, his back pressing against the headboard.

“Sorry…” Jane murmured. Tavish didn’t look at him. “Do you… need anything?”

“Damnit Jane! I said… Just leave me alone! Stop talking!” Tavish pulled his legs up to his chest, what a sorry sight he must be, but he just wanted Jane to go away.

Jane seemed to pause at that, and weigh his options, his lack of brain power making the decision take longer than it should.

For a moment, Tavish thought be might actually shut up. Maybe go straight to bed, or just leave the hotel altogether. But he was wrong.

“I… I can’t just leave.” Jane said sadly, but Tavish was prepared for that answer.

“Of course you can leave! God Jane… I can tell you hate this.” That got Jane’s attention, and Tavish raised his head to look Jane in the eye. “I don’t know what kind of obligation you think is keeping you here, but I don’t care about it. You did it, you saved me, but it’s over now. You want to play bloody hero, but I don’t need a damn witness to my suffering.”

Tavish took a breath, taking in Jane’s shocked expression. He had to tell Jane that he knew, he knew what the soldier was thinking. “You don’t like emotions Jane, but that’s all I got left! Fucking… feelings. You don’t need to torture yourself with other people’s emotions just because you feel you’re supposed to.”

Tavish was left panting after all his screaming, and wiped his snotty nose on the sheets so he could breathe a bit better.

Jane’s eyes were wide, and Tavish could actually see them as Jane had apparently left his helmet behind after his shower. His mouth opened and closed like a fish, and Tavish felt like he had caught Jane red-handed.

“I… I don’t…” Jane stuttered, trying to find his words. “I don’t hate this. I want to do this.”

“Bullshite,” Tavish hissed, glaring at Jane even through his own tears. “You’re walking around here like… like you can barely stand to be near me!”

“That’s not true!” Jane yelled back now, “I just want to help you!”

“But why? Why do you care so much!” He just felt so angry at Jane for all this bullshit.

“I… Because..”

“Why? You can’t think of a reason because you don’t! You’re bloody lying! You hate this, you hate me!” 

“It’s because I love you!” Jane yelled, and suddenly they were plunged into silence.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the wait! I made the mistake of publishing the first two chapters right before exams even though I hadn't finished the last one.... anyway it's here now! thanks for waiting.

Tavish just stared at the soldier, mouth slightly open as he tries to think of something to say.

“Shit shit…” Jane muttered, hands flying up to grab his head. “I… I never meant to tell you. I know it's the worst time for this, after what happened…”

“Jane… Jane It’s fine.” Tavish held up a hand to calm the panicking soldier, everything was starting to click into place.

“I'm not… I wouldn't hurt you, I didn't mean to make you feel pressured…” Tavish’s gut twisted as he began to realize his assumptions about Jane since the incident has been all wrong.

“You're not Jane, it's fine... Come sit down so we can talk.”

Jane deflated, his arms going slack at his sides, and crawled up on the bed to sit cross-legged across from Tavish.

“I'm sorry for yelling at you,” Tavish started, but Jane just shook his head.

“You don't have to be sorry,” Jane said softly, fiddling with the bedsheets. “I-I know I'm bad at this, like you said… but I don't want you to be alone.”

“...Thank you Jane.” Tavish’s earlier anger and panic had pretty much faded away. Jane blurting out his feelings and being so unintentionally and purely honest reminded him if why he was so fond of the soldier in the first place.

“No, there's more I want to say.” Jane looked up at him nervously, he was having a hard time keeping eye contact as he started to speak.

“You were right about some things. This is… really hard for me. I'm not normal at the best of times, and being the one that's supposed to help you… I don't know how to do it.” He took a deep breath, smoothing out some wrinkles in the sheets. “I want to help you Tavish… because I care a lot, and seeing you like this… it hurts. But i don't know what you need. You… You have to tell me what you need.”

Tavish chuckled at that, lifting a hand to wipe some of the dried tears off his face.

“Jane I don't know what I need either.” he said, plain and simple. “I don't think anyone does Jane, you are really doing more than enough.”

Jane went slack, looking relieved but also disappointed.

“I want to kill them, you know. When I saw what was going on I… I couldn't think. I've never hated a person more than I hate them. Then they had the balls to try to run from me…” Tavish watched Jane’s hands curl into tight fists, shaking from the pressure.

“Jane…”

“I couldn’t leave you.” his voice broke, “I let them get away but…  I couldn't…” The soldier let out a choked noise, trying desperately not to cry. “I’m sorry I didn't get there sooner.”

The tears finally fell, and Jane desperately tried to cover his face to hide it. Tavish wouldn't let him.

“No.” the demoman grabbed Jane’s hands, pulling them back down from his face. The soldier looked absolutely distraught, and Tavish was reminded of how damn _good_ he was. “Jane this was my fault, I was overconfident and stupid. I paid for it.”

“Don't you dare say this was your fault!” Jane hissed, anger burning through his tears. “Those bastard were unfair. They played dirty, they crossed a line! This could never be your fault.”

Jane’s intensity was something to behold. After spending so much time assuming Jane somehow blamed him for this, thought he was weak, saw him as a failure. It was almost surreal to have Jane so specifically say the opposite.

He nodded, not knowing what else to say.

Jane seemed to know he understood, and the determination faded away as he went back to just looking nervous and remorseful.

God it was a relief, hearing Jane take every negative thought Tavish had and refute them one by one. Jane didn’t even know he was doing it, Jane just cared, he just wanted Tavish to know how much he cared and make sure he was going to be ok.

“I uh… I still…” Jane blushed and bit his lip. “I still want to apologise for… um…”

Tavish had a feeling he knew what Jane was trying to talk about.

“Your love confession?” Tavish asked, he couldn't help but quirk a bit of a smile as Jane sputtered.

“Y-Yeah. That.” Tavish watched Jane try to calm himself before continuing. “I wanted to say sorry, again. I never planned on telling you, I didn't mean to…”

“Really? Never?” Tavish’s eyes widened. Jane had said something like that at the start, but he hadn't really heard it until now. “Why… Why not?”

“What do you mean why not!? Because it's wrong, and you couldn't return my feelings… and god… saying it right after you were…” Jane paused. “I mean it makes me just like… like them…”

A chill overtook him, and Tavish shook his head, “No Jane, God don't… don't talk about them.” He swallowed. Tavish really didn't want to think about those men again, but he needed Jane to understand something.

“Look I don’t know what you grew up with, what people said but… having feelings for another man doesn't make you like… Them.” He couldn't look at Jane when mentioning them, but pushed on. “It's more normal than most people think alright? It's not a bad thing. It doesn’t make you a...” He couldn’t finish, but Jane seemed to understand anyway.

Jane nodded slowly, and Tavish was glad he was getting through.

“And… my thoughts are all a mess today, and I don't want to lead you on,” Tavish stared at Jane nervously, his feelings were so strange right now, “but I think could fall in love with you Jane.”

His eyes snapped up, blue and misty from tears as they stared into the demoman’s soul.

“Alright I… ok.” Jane nodded once again. “Sorry for making this about me.”

“Nah.” demo shrugged. “it's good to talk. Feels better than the silence.”

“Yeah. I think so too.”

In just a few minutes the mood had gone from tense and angry to calm and amiable. Tavish wrapped his arms around himself, chill setting in once again. But he didn’t want to huddle back under the blankets. Going to sleep would mean the end. Whatever had just happened here, the sudden intense connection between him and Jane would be broken. He needed Jane to stay, to keep him grounded in reality. Jane had brought him out of a cycle of self hate, he needed him in order to stay there.

“You really should get some sleep.” Jane’s face showed concern, but he didn’t know that was the last thing Tavish wanted to hear.

He nodded slowly, and Jane took that as his cue to leave. Tavish felt the mattress shift as Jane got up, crossing to the other bed.

It was too much, too far away.

“Wait.” Tavish said, the word coming out before he’d even processed that he was going to say it.

“Yeah?” Jane turned around, still eager to help. So happy to help.

“You said… you wanted me to tell you what I need right?” Tavsh’s voice shook a little, whether from nerves or the slight chill he couldn’t be sure.

“Anything.” Jane said, “A-anything you need.”

“Can you stay? Closer, I mean… Here.” Tavish’s hand levitated over the space beside him, not quite touching the bed.

“Y-yeah… Of… Of course,” Jane stuttered, hopping back over immediately.

Tavish slid over to give him space, and bundled himself back under the covers. Jane got under the blankets as well. He was careful to not get too close, leaving a bit of space between them. It was good, Tavish didn’t want him too close, just not too far. Just the right distance that he could feel Jane’s presence even with his eyes closed.

“Night Jane.” He murmured, exhaustion finally creeping up on him.

“Night.”

Tavish’s eyes closed, and this time he wasn’t overwhelmed by thoughts. Instead, he listened to Jane’s breathing. It started out regular, then slowed down as the minutes ticked by, eventually being replaced by gentle snores. It was comforting and familiar, and it gently lulled him to sleep.

 

* * *

 

_“You brought this on yourself… Coming here alone? It’s what you deserve.” There was a hand on his back, and hot breath on his neck. Tavish wanted to struggle, but his body was numb. He couldn’t feel anything but the man behind him._

_“N-no…” He pushed the words up his throat and out his lips._

_“Yes, don’t think this isn’t happening,” The man laughed, his other hand coming down to press between Tavish’s cheeks, prodding roughly at his entrance._

_“N-no… you can’t. Jane… J-Jane is…”_

_“No one is coming to save you, just give in, just take what you’re given!” The man thrust two fingers into him, and Tavish screamed. He still couldn’t fight or struggle, nothing moved and nothing worked._

_“Jane! Jane help me! Please not again!” He was desperate for Jane to appear again, to save him, but he was nowhere to be seen._

_Suddenly the man’s cock pressed into him, and Tavish cried. He could feel it tearing him apart._

_“Take it slut,” the man hissed, thrusting roughly again and again._

_“Nnngh…... No, stop,” he sobbed. Tavish just couldn't handle going through this again, not so soon, not when he thought he was safe. “Jane… Jane… “_

 

* * *

 

“Jane!”

“Tavish! I’m right here!”

He whipped his head around trying to take in his surroundings. He was in the hotel room again, and his legs had gotten twisted up in the sheet. The fabric soaked in his sweat from panic.

Jane was there, looking scared. They were both sat up in the same bed, and Tavish suddenly remembered the past few hours.

“it was a dream… oh thank God…” Tavish collapsed forward into Jane, wrapping his arms around the soldier and pressing his face into his shirt.

He couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, a flood of relief engulfing his entire being as he sobbed into Jane. He hadn’t really had a chance for a proper cry before. It hadn’t sunk in yet, he hadn’t had the time for the relief to sink in, that he was safe now. It was ok if he was vulnerable, Jane was here and Jane would take care of him. God, Jane loved him, it was ok.

“Tav? You ok?”

He felt one of Jane’s hands come up to grip his shoulder, but Tavish couldn’t stop the flood as harsh sobs escaped him. His fingers dug into the fabric of Jane’s undershirt, stretching the knit fabric out of shape.

Slowly, cautiously, Jane’s hand slipped from his shoulder down the bare skin of Tavish’s back, then the other hand arrived as well, and Jane’s arms encircled him in an embrace.

As his crying continued the embrace tightened, Jane now holding Tavish firmly against him.

“It was just a dream… I-I got you.” The whispered words made him shiver, Jane’s breath shaky and hot in his ear. “I’m here…”

And so they stayed like that, Jane slowly getting more comfortable and reaching up a hand to stroke Tavish’s hair, dragging his fingers through the curls. It was that which seemed to finally calm him. His sobs stuttered and breathing slowed, with the rush of adrenaline over Jane’s gentle ministrations had him back on the verge of sleep.

“Jane…” He murmured, voice obscured by the fabric of Jane’s shirt.

The soldier paused his movements, and Tavish found himself disappointed.

“You… Doing all right now?” Jane asked softly.

Tavish just nodded against Jane’s chest, snuggling in a little tighter.

“I had a dream that is was happening again,” He said slowly, seeing no need to hide it.

“I’m sorry,” Jane replied, and they both lapsed into silence.

Some minutes later Jane resumed the gentle petting of Tavish’s hair, and didn’t stop when the demoman let out a contented sigh.

“Thank you. For being here…. For keeping me grounded.” Tavish murmured.

“Hey, It’s nothing right? I’m happy to be here… Whatever you need.” Jane sounded relieved, and it made Tavish happy to have that reaffirmation of how much he cared. “If you’re feeling better, we should go back to sleep.”

“Mmm…” Tavish sighed, only shifting slightly at his words. Sleep was at hand, but he was comfortable where he was. “Do you mind if we stay like this?” He asked, fingers tugging at Jane’s shirt.

“O-Oh…” Jane stuttered, and Tavish could feel his heartbeat speed up. “Yes we can… um… well…” he was stuttering, and Tavish’s heart sank.

“Shit… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean that…” Tavish started to pull away, but Jane grabbed him.

“No! I-I want… I want to stay it’s just… My leg is numb. I-If we could lie down without you on my leg it would be fine…. I just need to change positions a little.” Jane’s face was bright red, and Tavish suddenly realized that during his entire sobbing fest he’d basically been crushing Jane’s leg under his weight.

Tavish barked out a laugh, then another, then he was laughing a full blown riot as he rolled off of Jane’s poor leg. He gripped his stomach which now cramped from the laughter, and tears welled up in his eye from sheer mirth rather than what he’d been feeling before. It was refreshing, wiping away tears of laughter as Jane attempted to shake the pins and needles from his leg.

“Ack… I’m so sorry lad…” He managed to say between giggles, wiping the wetness from his eyes.

Jane was still blushing as he flexed his toes under the blanket. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

Tavish shook his head… “Yeah, I know.” He watched Jane’s blush slowly fade, the two of them now laying side by side, but slightly apart. Jane’s leg finally came to a rest, along with Tavish’s laughter.

“Alright then… So… Come ‘ere.” Jane motioned to himself, arms open in invitation.

It was Tavish’s turn to have his face heat up, finally calm enough to really think about how close they were. But if Jane was willing, and tavish wanted it (Which he very much did), then there was no reason to be bothered.

The demoman shifted closer under the covers, laying down with one of Jane’s arms as a pillow. The soldier wrapped the other around him and hugged Tavish close to his chest, and his arm fell into place around Jane’s waist.

It felt even warmer and safer than before, and Tavish was once again so thankful for his best friend. He didn’t know what he did to deserve someone like Jane, but whatever it was, he was glad he’d done it.

“We should go somewhere fun tomorrow,” Tavish murmured suddenly, the idea just popping into his head.

“You sure?” Jane asked, “Because I’m fine with staying here, I’ll bring in food, we can play cards-”

“No,” interjected Tavish, “I want to go out somewhere.”

Jane pulled back a bit, just enough so the two of them could make eye contact. Tavish could see Jane was worried, plain as day.

“But…” Jane seemed to struggle to come up with words for what he was thinking, “If you are… scared… Then you shouldn’t force yourself.”

“I’m not scared.”

Jane opened his mouth to say something, but Tavish didn’t let him.

“Jane I’m not scared… Because I know you’ll be with me, right?”

He watched Jane swallow, lips pressed in a thin line.

“Of course,” Jane said, voice hoarse as if he were on the verge of tears.

Tavish grinned, “We’re stronger together after all, eh?”

“Yes!” Jane yelled, some part of his usual ruckus self finding its way to the surface.

Looking at him now, Tavish realized that maybe some part of him had loved Jane all along. They were so good together as friends, sometimes partners, maybe it wasn’t much of a stretch to say they’d be even better as something more.

Only time would tell, but that didn’t seem like such a hassle. After all, for Tavish, time with Jane was worth more than anything else in the world.


End file.
